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Lesson 2

Why are you afraid to set Boundaries?

 


What emotional patterns do you have that created poor boundaries?

You know having boundaries is good for you, and also an important part of a healthy relationship. But it's still difficult to set them. Why is that?


This happens because when we grow up in environment where we didn't feel comfortable expressing our emotions and needs, we were invalidated or worse we were punished for it, we learn that our emotions and needs are NOT important. We believe that we are not WORTHY of having our needs met.


These experiences create people pleasing behaviour, fear, insecurity, and doubt in adulthood, as well as sacrificing your own needs to accommodate others' needs. 


Setting boundaries isn't easy for many people. This is because it can feel intimidating to say NO to a person that we love. The feeling of GUILT or WORRY may come up. 

You may feel guilty for hurting someone's feelings, guilty for not being a 'good person', worry that you may cause harm to the relationship, or that you will lose the person. 


To face your fear of setting boundaries, we will begin with acceptance. We need to accept that it's okay to feel uncomfortable and understand that setting boundaries is a learned behaviour. Like learning to walk, talk or drive. 


Identifying the beliefs that are holding you back from setting boundaries is the fist step to become a master of boundary setting. 


Here are some examples of the limiting beliefs that are holding you back from having boundaries.:


Fear of hurting someone's feelings 

Being perceived as selfish 

People pleasing 

Codependency 

Fear of rejection

Fear of abandonment  

The belief that boundaries are rude or aggressive

Fear of confronting another person


Its important to remember that, there is a price we pay for NOT setting boundaries. 

What is it costing you? 


The people in your life that truly love you, will care about what you need. Those who don't care, shouldn't be in your life. 


If you don't heal your fear of rejection and abandonment, the people pleasing behaviour can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and neglect of your own self-care.


Saying NO can be the most loving this to do, because it requires courage and honesty, which is essential for a healthy relationship. 


Avoiding conflict and pretending everything is ok leads to unhealthy patterns of behaviour, such as manipulation and dishonesty in relationships. 


Resentment leads to aggression and aggression is actually a sign of poor boundaries. 


Setting boundaries is really about improving your behaviour and being your true, authentic self. 


Being assertive is about caring for yourself. 


The way others see your boundary is completely out of your control.


If you fear abandonment, you undermine your ability to stand up for yourself. 


If setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, it's important to ask yourself, "Am I putting someone else's needs above my own?" 


Boundaries are not meant to push people away. 

They are an expression of self respect and respect for others.


Boundary setting doesn't involve saying no all the time. 


Learning to say NO is important, but it's just part of having good boundaries.


Boundaries are also about learning to say YES to the things that truly want. 


Today's Exercise


What do you think are the main reasons why setting a boundary is challenging for you?

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What beliefs do you hold about setting boundaries that might not be true? 


For Example: "I can't say no to my family member, because they will start an argument" 

or

 "If I express my emotions to my partner, they will feel criticised and shut down."


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In the next few days, observe your interactions, select one or two beliefs from above that hold you back from setting boundaries and see if you identify the belief(s) and write down the experience.


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How did the experience and belief make you feel? What emotions came up?

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Once you have done that change the energy of  each belief by writing a supportive affirmation: 


For example: "I love my mother, but I have the right to say No in order to protect my well-being." 

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Complete & Continue

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