Lesson 2

Why are we afraid to set Clear Boundaries?

 


WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK?

What emotional patterns do we have that create poor boundaries?


When you think about it, the concept of personal boundaries makes a lot of sense. You know it's good for you, and you know it's an important part of a healthy relationship. But sometimes what we know isn't always easy to do! People pleasing, fear, insecurity, and doubt can trigger you to prioritise the needs of others while sacrificing your own needs and wishes.


For many people, setting boundaries isn't easy, because it can feel intimidating to say no to someone that you care about . You may feel guilty, or worry that it will hurt the relationship. 


To face your fear of setting boundaries, we will begin with acceptance. We need to accept that it's okay to feel uncomfortable and understand that setting boundaries is a learned behaviour. Like learning to walk, it begins with small steps until mastering the skill with Confidence.


The 1st step is to identify the beliefs that are holding you back from setting boundaries. 


Here are some of the most common ones:


People pleasing is an especially common condition. We fear hurting someone's feelings or being perceived as selfish, so we say yes when we should be saying no. People pleasing is masking codependency and fear of rejection. But the truth is, those who truly love you, will care about what you want. If the fear of rejection is not dealt with, people pleasing can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and the neglect of your own self-care.


Sometimes the most loving thing to say is "No". It requires courage and honesty, which are essential for a healthy relationship. Pretending there's nothing wrong to avoid conflict in a relationship will lead to unhealthy patterns of behaviour, such as manipulation and dishonesty.


The belief that boundaries are rude or aggressive can create a lot of fear for those who are sensitive. 


The idea of confronting another person can be intimidating. But aggression is actually a sign of poor boundaries. Setting boundaries is really about improving your behaviour and being your true, authentic self. Being assertive is about caring for yourself. But always remember that the way others perceive your boundary is completely out of your control.


Boundaries might make people to abandon you. If you fear abandonment, you undermine your ability to stand up for yourself. And if setting boundaries makes you feel guilty, it's important to ask yourself, "Am I putting someone else's needs above my own?" Boundaries are not meant to show that you don't love someone or to push someone away. They are an expression of self respect and respect for the other person in the relationship.


Boundary setting doesn't involve saying no all the time. Learning to say no 

is an important step, but it's just part of the work. Boundaries are also about learning to say yes to the things that truly want to say yes to in your relationships. 


Today's Exercise


What do you think are the main reasons why setting a boundary is challenging for you?

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What beliefs do you hold about setting boundaries that might not be true? 


For Example: "I can't say no to my family member, because they will start an argument" 

or

 "If I express my emotions to my partner, they will feel criticised and shut down."


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In the next few days, observe your interactions, select one or two beliefs from above that hold you back from setting boundaries and see if you identify the belief(s) and write down the experience.


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How did the experience and belief make you feel? What emotions came up?

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Once you have done that change the energy of  each belief by writing a supportive affirmation: 


For example: "I love my partner, but I have the right to say No in order to protect my well-being." 

or

"It's not my responsibility to make my family happy if it's jeopardising my own happiness."


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Complete & Continue